This is the first time I have been here since I was 3 years old. I am revisiting the stately home in which I was born, and Lord Quarkington is very kindly giving me a guided tour. He unlocks and opens the door to a larder just off the kitchen. He turns on the light and concusses a rat with his walking stick.

"Do you remember this room?" he asks.

I shake my head. He drops his stick, cups his hand to his mouth, and clutches my head to his breast. He whispers, "This is the room in which I first met your parents."

Cold spittle runs into my ear canal.