Geoff's Dream Blog

2006-08-13T06:58:00.000+01:00

It is my first weekend in my new home. Bored with the wallpaper, I walk into the night and enter the local pub. I ask the landlord if this is the pub where the quiz night is being held.

"Who wants to know?" he says.

2006-08-06T06:10:00.000+01:00

I am wrestling with my conscience.

He's a biggun.

2006-07-30T06:57:00.000+01:00

I have brunch with Alan Yentob.

2006-07-23T05:37:00.000+01:00

I am a postman. I have a special delivery for Mr Evans. I walk up his driveway. I knock on his door. There is no answer. The bastard never answers straight away. I waste so much of my time at his house, knock knock knocking on Evans' door.

2006-07-16T06:52:00.000+01:00

I am in a cafe with my betrothed.

We order, "Two BLTs and hold the mayo!"

"Until when?" asks the waitress.

2006-07-09T06:55:00.000+01:00

My cat hates the word "professional".

2006-07-02T06:51:00.000+01:00

Tired of trawling through War and Peace, I try the new novel by Lester Read.

2006-06-25T07:25:00.000+01:00

I enter the Miss Faversham Beauty Contest.

I am crowned Miss Haversham.

2006-06-09T06:08:00.000+01:00

The car is full of England fans and flags. The sign on the back windscreen says "BABY ON BOARD".

The baby is on the roof.

2006-06-04T06:09:00.000+01:00

I am heading to the town centre. Two teenage girls are heading towards me. As they walk past me, one says to the other...

"He ain't that bad."

2006-06-03T06:56:00.000+01:00

It's a lovely day.

I decide to take my medication alfresco.

2006-05-28T06:40:00.000+01:00

I've got an ear for the ladies.

2006-05-21T06:24:00.000+01:00

I am in the Hot Club of Paris.

Jesus, it's hot. Don't they have any air conditioning? The sweat's flying off Grappelli's fiddle, showering the whole front row. The air's thick with Gauloise smoke and body odour. Christ, it's unpleasant. I'd willingly throw up if I could get any air into my lungs.

2006-05-14T06:41:00.000+01:00

There is a new search engine - Googoo.

So simple, a baby can use it.

2006-05-10T20:12:00.000+01:00

I break down on the roundabout in Basingstoke. There is a man there in flagrante with a car exhaust.

He asks me whether I'm dogging.

I tell him he's barking up the wrong tree.

2006-05-07T06:31:00.000+01:00

I take my dog to a drive-in poop 'n' scoop.

2006-05-07T05:17:00.000+01:00

I am at a Rotary Club meeting.

We just keep going round in circles.

2006-04-30T06:40:00.000+01:00

I am in the basement of a public house, a room in which informal poetry readings are held.

Tonight is special as there is rumoured to be an appearance by poet/singer, Morrissey. We wait in eager anticipation of seeing and hearing the great man reading out lines from his classic songs.

There is a commotion in a room to my right: the pub's kitchen. We hear what sounds like the quacking of a duck. It is a duck and it waddles under the swing doors, swiftly followed by Morrissey, chin jutting in anger, holding a meat cleaver above his head, and screaming at the top of his voice, "THEY ALWAYS LET ME DOWN!"

This horrible scene is cut short by a hefty bouncer's knee connecting with the duck hater's groin. The cleaver drops from the singer's hand and misses the terrified duck by a mere three inches.

As Morrissey is bundled into the kitchen, the MC climbs onstage and says, "Sorry folks, I'm afraid tonight's gig is cancelled."

We all boo like cows with bunged up noses, but the MC calms us down with the following words:

"But a little treat for you next week. Keep this under your hats, but next Saturday the one and only Ted Nugent will be reading Under Milk Wood."

We whoop and whoop and whoop.

2006-04-23T06:38:00.000+01:00

I am at a psychic fair. I fall off the merry-go-round at high speed. A man picks me up and says, "I could see that happening."

2006-04-16T06:12:00.000+01:00

I photocopy my home town.

I am in two minds whether or not to shred it.

2006-04-14T06:21:00.000+01:00

I am in my Easter Bonnet.

A woman mistakes me for her baby. She straps me in the back of her SUV and roars off at high speed.

2006-04-09T06:24:00.000+01:00

I go to a Boot Fair.

I buy one, put it on, and hop home.

2006-04-02T06:45:00.000+01:00

I open my wardrobe door. Standing before me, in shirt, pants, and socks, my trousers in his hand, is Brian Rix.

He smiles at me.

"I've found them!" he says.

2006-03-26T07:27:00.000+01:00

I am on a paintball stag weekend. The tutor lines us up and asks us, "Any paint virgins here?"
I put my hand up and the bastard shoots me four square in the bollocks.

2006-03-21T06:18:00.000Z

I buy a clockwork piggy bank. I wind him up and watch him run around the room. I wind him up so much that he gets the arsehole and runs away with all my money.

2006-03-19T06:38:00.000Z

I am invited into the crazy world of Arthur Brown.

"Would you like tea or coffee?" he asks me.

2006-03-15T05:36:00.000Z

T Rextasy: The UK's No 1 Live Tribute Band (as voted on BBC1's Battle Of The Fantasy Bands)

I am at a Glam Rock Tribute Nite at Crayford Town Hall. The bands are all reasonably local as they have to get up for work in the morning.
The line-up is as follows:-

1. The Bromleyan Roxy Music (all except the drummer are ex-Bromley Contingent)
2. The Dartfordian Sweet (whose lead singer's real name is Brian Conley - I'm not kidding)
3. The Crayfordian Slade (ex-Oasis tribute band Sally Can't Wait)
4. Eltham John (originally from Leek, Staffordshire - moved to Eltham in 1992 to further his career)

2006-03-12T06:04:00.000Z

I am watching Tomorrow's World at the exact moment when Slade turn from being a skinhead band into a glam rock band. The band are lined up in silhouette, and Raymond Baxter asks if we can identify Noddy Holder.

He is quite clearly to the left of Dave Hill.

2006-03-09T05:59:00.000Z

I am watching a game of 5 a side bollocks.

One of the bollocks gets sent for an early bath for ungentlemanly conduct.

2006-03-07T05:54:00.000Z

Mrs Worthington puts her daughter on the stage.

2006-03-05T06:13:00.000Z

I have Bette Davis' eyes.

I swap them for Ben Turpin's eyes and £3.64.

2006-02-26T06:15:00.000Z

I am participating in a game of Celebrity Poker. I don't know who half the celebrities are.

I lay a pair of Anne Robinsons, not realising I have a Hollyoaks Royal Flush.

2006-02-23T06:07:00.000Z

I am hothousing my 4 year old for Junior Mastermind.

And while he's there he can fucking water the plants.

2006-02-21T06:02:00.000Z

I am a sensitive singer-songwriter.

My piano brings me out in a rash.

2006-02-19T07:33:00.000Z

I am on the Tears For Fears bus. The conductor puts on a cassette of a bootleg Tears For Fears concert, live from Dudley JB's. The boys come on stage accompanied by Holst's The Planets. Roland steps up to the microphone and says, "Hello, Dudley!"

They start to play and the whole bus sings along.

2006-02-16T05:25:00.000Z

I am walking along, minding my own business, when a large skinhead approaches me and asks me where I got my Little Brown Bag.

"Sanny Claus gave it me," I say.

"Can Sanny Claus get me one?" he replies.

2006-02-13T05:19:00.000Z

My acupuncturist sticks needles in my eyeballs as he says they lie on the Greenwich Meridian.

2006-02-12T07:01:00.000Z

I am a rich, famous poet and author. I am extremely drunk and I can't find my way home.

I've lost my mews.

2006-02-10T05:55:00.000Z

I walk into my office first thing in the morning. The IT man is lying dead on the floor.

2006-02-08T05:49:00.000Z

I answer an advert for 'Live In Head' at a private school in the country for gifted children.

I get the job and spend my working hours locked in my office, daydreaming. The children teach themselves.

2006-02-06T05:43:00.000Z

I go to a Police Auction of unclaimed goods. I buy a dot matrix printer for 7p. It doesn't work.

2006-02-05T06:34:00.000Z

Infamy.

2006-01-28T07:17:00.000Z

I am given a copy of the new River Cafe Cookbook. It has three chapters:-

Minnow

Stickleback

Tiddler

2006-01-25T06:11:00.000Z

I am rowing a couple of chums up the Thames to Richmond.

We get wolf-whistled by the River Police.

2006-01-23T05:59:00.000Z

Everything in the Holy Bible becomes true. Cats do not exist.

The meece inherit the earth.*

*Thanks to Betty for this one.

2006-01-22T06:17:00.000Z

Carla Lane's new sitcom is about a family of Liverpudlian French bulldogs, The Gerrards. Jean-Pierre, here, is to open a vegan restaurant in Walton.

2006-01-18T06:32:00.000Z

I am 75. I go for a roll up* with 3 men and 2 women. The women are married to 2 of the men. The other man's wife is too ill to play. I'm taking her place as I owe her husband a favour. Last week he gave me the kiss of life.

* bowls vernacular

2006-01-17T06:10:00.000Z

A pair of long johns in her left hand, my grandmother is freebasing cocaine off her ironing board.

2006-01-14T06:30:00.000Z

Prime Minister Gordon Brown proposes to the House that to set an example to the nation, Members' genitalia should be enclosed in Union Jack underwear.

2006-01-11T06:21:00.000Z

I answer the phone. It is a woman from another department.
"Are you sitting on a cheque from Mrs Cramp-Iron?" she asks.
"We don't sit on cheques in the Accounts Department," I say. "Any cheques we can't allocate we send to your department."
"You've sat on cheques in the past," she says. "Can you go and check?"
Angrily, I put the phone down. I stand up. I feel something on the seat of my trousers. I pull it off.

It is a cheque from Mrs Cramp-Iron.

2006-01-09T06:11:00.000Z

I read my four year old a story at bedtime...

The Kurt Cobain Diaries.

2006-01-08T07:37:00.000Z

I join an evening class which combines gentle stretching exercises and traditional Peruvian music...

Ponchos Pilates.

2006-01-04T06:28:00.000Z

As part of my new year health campaign, I spend a few days in spa city Detoxeter.

2006-01-02T06:19:00.000Z

I receive a post-houmous knighthood for services to dips.

2006-01-01T06:56:00.000Z

My resolutions for the new year are to give up the booze and to master the art of fucking calligraphy.

2005-12-30T06:52:00.000Z

My doctor is called to my bed. I have diptheria. He tells my mother to give me a hot potato compress and to make sure I have plenty of boiled sweets to suck.

2005-12-27T06:42:00.000Z

This is the first time I have been here since I was 3 years old. I am revisiting the stately home in which I was born, and Lord Quarkington is very kindly giving me a guided tour. He unlocks and opens the door to a larder just off the kitchen. He turns on the light and concusses a rat with his walking stick.

"Do you remember this room?" he asks.

I shake my head. He drops his stick, cups his hand to his mouth, and clutches my head to his breast. He whispers, "This is the room in which I first met your parents."

Cold spittle runs into my ear canal.

2005-12-24T07:32:00.000Z

My chestnuts are roasting by an open fire.

2005-12-21T06:21:00.000Z

The world is saved by Aryan flu.

2005-12-17T06:40:00.000Z

James Blunt opens a turkey farm.

As he cuts the tape, he sees a vision of loveliness.

2005-12-15T05:36:00.000Z

Lassie traces his family tree.

He pisses on it.

2005-12-12T05:26:00.000Z

I am 10. Together with my classmates, I am appearing in the end of term Christmas show. We are performing a medley of songs from musicals. At the tops of our voices we sing, "Jesus Christ, Superstar, wears frilly knickers and a training bra."

The parents and teachers enjoy the song immensely. They're not listening to the words. They just think we look and sound cute.

2005-12-11T06:14:00.000Z

I'm walking in the air.

2005-12-08T06:01:00.000Z

I have a starring role in the new King Kong.

I play Fey Ray.

2005-12-06T05:57:00.000Z

My trousers are on the M25.

2005-12-03T07:10:00.000Z

I'm an orange-arsed fly.
I'm rushing around like a blue-arsed fly.

2005-11-30T06:03:00.000Z

I am a Shakespearian actor. The Director says he thought my Bottom was superb.
"But I was playing The Dane," I say.
"That was great, too," he says.

2005-11-28T06:56:00.000Z

I am taking a ewe on a slowboat to China.

2005-11-27T07:27:00.000Z

I am Jacques Oeuf, a hard-boiled private detective.

I am hired to rescue a small girl who is being held for ransom at a large country house.

2005-11-24T06:14:00.000Z

My local has 24 hour opening. Each night, I set the alarm for 3 am. I get up and walk to the pub. I order my usual pint of ale, no more, no less. It is very quiet, just me and a few other sensible drinkers like me.

We all leave at 5 am to go home for a low fat breakfast, then off to work at 7. I work through till 1 pm, have one pint of ale with my low fat salad lunch. I get back to the office at 2 and work till 6.

After a low fat 7 pm dinner, I am in bed by 9 - looking forward each night to my 3 am alarm call.

2005-11-22T06:06:00.000Z

My boss gives me something important to think about, something that is very important to the business. He advises me to go home and sleep on it.

The next day I am woken by a phone call. It is 11 am. My boss asks me why I am not at work as he wants to discuss the important issue. I say I am still sleeping on it, and if I don't come up with anything today I will sleep on it tomorrow too.

2005-11-20T07:41:00.000Z

I get pissed with Prince Charles. I call him my best mate. He says we're Celtic brothers and reaches for his blade so we can exchange our blood.

2005-11-17T06:31:00.000Z

My office chair is knackered. The salesman brings me a new chair to try out. I sit down and he straps me in...

2005-11-14T06:08:00.000Z

An experienced freemason, this is my year to be in the chair....

I don't want to go in the chair. The chair's too big for me. I'm not man enough to go in the chair. Please don't let them put me in the chair. Mummy!

2005-11-11T06:31:00.000Z

Jamie Oliver tells me to eat my greens.

2005-11-09T06:29:00.000Z

I am in a prison cell with Casper the Friendly Ghost.
He says, "How about you and me - dirty protest?"

2005-11-07T06:14:00.000Z

My blog has pictures.

2005-11-04T06:35:00.000Z

I discover that due to a double booking, the Veteran Bloggers' Meet at the Royal British Legion, King's Lynn Branch on Sunday 13th November is to be postponed.

Suggestions for a new day and venue are welcome.

2005-11-02T05:01:00.000Z

All British bloggers under the age of 30 are to do National Service.

Those between the ages of 30 and 40 are to receive psychotherapy.

Those over 40 are to be shot.

2005-10-30T07:02:00.000Z

To save my poor legs, my best friend stands outside my front door to greet the little trick or treaters.

2005-10-29T06:55:00.000+01:00

Robert Elms is barred from London.

2005-10-27T13:50:00.000+01:00

I spend 45 minutes reading blogs I like and I can't think of a single comment.

2005-10-23T06:39:00.000+01:00

I am in the audience of The Good Old Days. I am dressed up to the nines and I itch like buggery. My trousers itch, my vest itches, my underpants itch, my collar itches, my false moustache itches. My braces are chafing my nipples. The woman on my left smells strongly of gin and laughs in a high pitched screech at the least fucking thing. The man on my right reeks of Hi Karate aftershave and every so often turns towards me to ask me if the person on stage is Sheila Steiffel. The camera keeps zooming into me and I pretend to laugh or sing. When I smile my fucking moustache goes in my eyes and stings like fuck. I'm desperate for a piss but I can't move because the whole row would have to stand up and the audience at home would think the audience in the theatre were leaving. I itch I itch I fucking itch and there's still an hour to go.

Good Old Days? Don't give me the fucking Good Old Days.

2005-10-21T06:35:00.000+01:00

The woman at the call centre puts me through to a different extension. The phone is picked up and I hear what sounds like a howling pack of wolves.

A gruff voice answers, "You've come through to a different hunt team."

2005-10-19T06:32:00.000+01:00

I am put on hold. The music on the telephone is an excerpt from Mozart's Eine Kleine Nachtmusik.

The lights go out.

2005-10-17T06:28:00.000+01:00

I dial the speaking clock.

He says tetchily, "There's a time and a place for this, Geoff."

2005-10-16T07:18:00.000+01:00

I interview Hans Link, author of Hans Link's Blog, for an article in the November 2005 edition of Geoff''s Blog People...

Me: Herr Link...

Hans: Call me Hans.

Me: Hans...It's been well documented that you have the most links in the blogging world.

Hans: Mutual links.

Me: Mutual?

Hans: Everybody I link to also links to me.

Me: How many links do you have?

Hans: Three thousand, five hundred and seventy-one.

Me: That's a lot of links.

Hans: There are a lot of good blogs out there.

Me: How do you find the time to read them all?

Hans: Some days I don't read more than say, fifteen hundred. But I make up for it the next day.

Me: You must have your favourites?

Hans: Now that would be telling. Blogging can get a bit cliquey, don't you think? I just love reading blogs. And I love writing my own blog.

Me: Your site averages over six thousand hits a day.

Hans: Yes.

Me: What does that do for your ego?

Hans: It's nice, Geoff. But it would be nicer if it did something for my bank balance.

Me: You're joking, of course.

Hans: Of course I'm joking. I do this because I like meeting new people. Sharing views.

Me: But not face to face?

Hans: You mean a blog meet?...We'd have to hire the Albert Hall. No, Geoff, I'm happy to keep all my net buddies as cyber correspondents.

Me: They say you're the king of the LOL. You give a LOL to every blogger whose site you like.

Hans: There's a lot to LOL about.

Me: You find three and a half thousand blogs funny?

Hans: Why not? That's still a miniscule percentage of bloggers who are out there.

Me: I used to think LOL meant "Lots of love".

Hans: And you thought all these guys were coming onto you?

Me: I've only had one LOL.

Hans: Only one?

Me: Just the one.

Hans: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! LOL :-D

2005-10-09T06:44:00.000+01:00

I've got blogger's nipple. And I can't leave it alone.

2005-10-02T06:29:00.000+01:00

I join the freemasons.
My mum packs my sandwiches and tells me not to take it all too seriously.

2005-09-29T06:27:00.000+01:00

I'm 24, look like Mickey Rooney, and have seven children.

2005-09-28T06:23:00.000+01:00

My jacuzzi is full to the brim with grinning Osmonds in 1950's swimwear.

2005-09-26T06:18:00.000+01:00

I enter the offices of the Kent Nudist Association. The receptionist, as naked as the day that he was born, is on the phone. He covers the mouthpiece with his hand.
"Bare with me," he says.

2005-09-25T06:28:00.000+01:00

I am in Berlin, desperately looking for the zeitgeist.
I ask a beautiful woman, who gives me directions.
I end up in "Blind Alle".

2005-09-24T06:22:00.000+01:00

West Ham beat Chelsea 81-1.
The Chelsea team is made up of four cartoon animals, three 3 year old children, Lampard, Cole, Terry, and Mickey Droy.
The Hammers include two 3 year olds in their team, and in goal is 56 year old Peter Shilton who plays out of his skin.

2005-09-22T06:17:00.000+01:00

I have won a free mystery film star face reconstruction. My life is about to change.
As I am about to go under, the anaesthetist whispers in my ear:
"You know this is a Mickey Mouse operation?"

2005-09-21T06:14:00.000+01:00

I am watching Lemmy play Space Invaders.
He shoots the aliens with pus from his boils.

2005-09-19T05:06:00.000+01:00

I am taking a bath with Yoko Ono.
She refuses to give me the soap unless I join her in song.

2005-09-18T14:43:00.000+01:00

I am on the Magic Bus.
David Nixon is driving.
Tommy Cooper is taking the fares.

2005-09-10T06:12:00.000+01:00

Red and yellow and pink and green
Orange and purple and blue
I can sing a rainbow
Sing a rainbow
Sing a rainbow too

2005-09-07T13:45:00.000+01:00

I'm bored. I start another blog.