Geoff's Dream Blog

2006-08-13T06:58:00.000+01:00

It is my first weekend in my new home. Bored with the wallpaper, I walk into the night and enter the local pub. I ask the landlord if this is the pub where the quiz night is being held.

"Who wants to know?" he says.

2006-08-06T06:10:00.000+01:00

I am wrestling with my conscience.

He's a biggun.

2006-07-30T06:57:00.000+01:00

I have brunch with Alan Yentob.

2006-07-23T05:37:00.000+01:00

I am a postman. I have a special delivery for Mr Evans. I walk up his driveway. I knock on his door. There is no answer. The bastard never answers straight away. I waste so much of my time at his house, knock knock knocking on Evans' door.

2006-07-16T06:52:00.000+01:00

I am in a cafe with my betrothed.

We order, "Two BLTs and hold the mayo!"

"Until when?" asks the waitress.

2006-07-09T06:55:00.000+01:00

My cat hates the word "professional".

2006-07-02T06:51:00.000+01:00

Tired of trawling through War and Peace, I try the new novel by Lester Read.

2006-06-25T07:25:00.000+01:00

I enter the Miss Faversham Beauty Contest.

I am crowned Miss Haversham.

2006-06-09T06:08:00.000+01:00

The car is full of England fans and flags. The sign on the back windscreen says "BABY ON BOARD".

The baby is on the roof.

2006-06-04T06:09:00.000+01:00

I am heading to the town centre. Two teenage girls are heading towards me. As they walk past me, one says to the other...

"He ain't that bad."

2006-06-03T06:56:00.000+01:00

It's a lovely day.

I decide to take my medication alfresco.

2006-05-28T06:40:00.000+01:00

I've got an ear for the ladies.

2006-05-21T06:24:00.000+01:00

I am in the Hot Club of Paris.

Jesus, it's hot. Don't they have any air conditioning? The sweat's flying off Grappelli's fiddle, showering the whole front row. The air's thick with Gauloise smoke and body odour. Christ, it's unpleasant. I'd willingly throw up if I could get any air into my lungs.

2006-05-14T06:41:00.000+01:00

There is a new search engine - Googoo.

So simple, a baby can use it.

2006-05-10T20:12:00.000+01:00

I break down on the roundabout in Basingstoke. There is a man there in flagrante with a car exhaust.

He asks me whether I'm dogging.

I tell him he's barking up the wrong tree.

2006-05-07T06:31:00.000+01:00

I take my dog to a drive-in poop 'n' scoop.

2006-05-07T05:17:00.000+01:00

I am at a Rotary Club meeting.

We just keep going round in circles.

2006-04-30T06:40:00.000+01:00

I am in the basement of a public house, a room in which informal poetry readings are held.

Tonight is special as there is rumoured to be an appearance by poet/singer, Morrissey. We wait in eager anticipation of seeing and hearing the great man reading out lines from his classic songs.

There is a commotion in a room to my right: the pub's kitchen. We hear what sounds like the quacking of a duck. It is a duck and it waddles under the swing doors, swiftly followed by Morrissey, chin jutting in anger, holding a meat cleaver above his head, and screaming at the top of his voice, "THEY ALWAYS LET ME DOWN!"

This horrible scene is cut short by a hefty bouncer's knee connecting with the duck hater's groin. The cleaver drops from the singer's hand and misses the terrified duck by a mere three inches.

As Morrissey is bundled into the kitchen, the MC climbs onstage and says, "Sorry folks, I'm afraid tonight's gig is cancelled."

We all boo like cows with bunged up noses, but the MC calms us down with the following words:

"But a little treat for you next week. Keep this under your hats, but next Saturday the one and only Ted Nugent will be reading Under Milk Wood."

We whoop and whoop and whoop.

2006-04-23T06:38:00.000+01:00

I am at a psychic fair. I fall off the merry-go-round at high speed. A man picks me up and says, "I could see that happening."

2006-04-16T06:12:00.000+01:00

I photocopy my home town.

I am in two minds whether or not to shred it.

2006-04-14T06:21:00.000+01:00

I am in my Easter Bonnet.

A woman mistakes me for her baby. She straps me in the back of her SUV and roars off at high speed.

2006-04-09T06:24:00.000+01:00

I go to a Boot Fair.

I buy one, put it on, and hop home.

2006-04-02T06:45:00.000+01:00

I open my wardrobe door. Standing before me, in shirt, pants, and socks, my trousers in his hand, is Brian Rix.

He smiles at me.

"I've found them!" he says.

2006-03-26T07:27:00.000+01:00

I am on a paintball stag weekend. The tutor lines us up and asks us, "Any paint virgins here?"
I put my hand up and the bastard shoots me four square in the bollocks.

2006-03-21T06:18:00.000Z

I buy a clockwork piggy bank. I wind him up and watch him run around the room. I wind him up so much that he gets the arsehole and runs away with all my money.